The Daily Mash

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

CARTOON despot Skeletor has launched his bid for the Labour leadership.

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night.

JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.

RESEARCH showing that men lie more than women is proof they should stop asking them awkward questions in the first place, say scientists.

NO matter which way you try to finesse it, working in a call centre will crush you, according to a new study.

LABOUR leadership challenger Ed Miliband pissed the bed when he was 15, David Miliband said yesterday.

DOCTOR Who fans across Britain are facing the prospect of leaving their homes and talking to other people.

Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News briefly

Billionaire ends Mormon's presidential dream by blowing a hole in the middle of his head.

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.

Your problems solved

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?