Cameron acting like the dictator of Gaydonia, says Archbishop
DAVID Cameron is acting as if he is the dictator of the People's Republic of Gaydonia, the Archbishop of York has claimed.
Evra gets 24-hour protection from cheeky Scouse wit
PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.
Women offered chance to give birth anally
WOMEN in the UK will soon have the option to give birth anally, as part of the NHS reform bill.
The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads
PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.
Phase one complete, Dacre tells home planet
CHIEF Daily Mail space creature Paul Dacre has mind-merged with his martian leader to report that Earth is almost ready for invasion.
OK, we'll get jobs, say poor people
BRITAIN'S poor people have finally conceded defeat and vowed to find work first thing this morning.
Pathological self-absorption now mandatory
EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.
Werewolf!
STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.
- BBC4 named ponciest channel at National TV Awards
- Sally Morgan to be represented by disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln
- Bernard Manning defrosted
- Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks
- TFL promises uninterrupted tosspottery
- Occupy record 'may have a rap in it'
- Furious entertainment industry promises year from hell
- Key financial decisions now based on free toy
- Gordon Ramsay's face 'cuts bowel cancer risk'
- Paul Daniels to explain to why he didn't magic his finger back on
- RBS chief to get bonus or legal fees and bonus
- Ban adverts for things that don't always work, say angry people
- Police investigate allegations of reasonable criticism
- Reader offer
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