The Daily Mash

Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks

PRESIDENT Obama was condemned last night for not describing his Republican opponents as total dicks.

TUBE travellers will be able to broadcast their ignorance even when 150 foot underground by summer, promise TFL.

THE impending first release on the Occupy movement's record label may feature a short burst of rapping, experts have warned.

THE entertainment industry has responded to last week's internet blackout by vowing to make 2012 a new low in the history of entertainment.

BRITONS will spend any amount of money in order to get a 'plush toy', it has emerged.

PEOPLE who visualise Gordon Ramsay's face while they are on the toilet can reduce their risk of bowel cancer, according to new research.

PAUL Daniels is to explain to the Magic Circle why he did not use conjuring and sorcery to re-attach his severed finger.

THE taxpayer will have to pay for Stephen Hester's bonus or pay for his bonus and his lawyers, it has been confirmed.

Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News briefly

Billionaire ends Mormon's presidential dream by blowing a hole in the middle of his head.

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.

Your problems solved

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?