The Daily Mash

I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers

MOIRA Stewart, the all-seeing God of Tax, has warned of great suffering for those self-employed workers whose forms displease her.

THE storyline of the latest BT adverts will follow the previous couple's son as he spirals into a pit of murderous drug-fuelled sexual obsession.

NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.

EUROZONE nations are using this year's international song contest to ask for financial help to a thumping hi-NRG disco beat.

UNDERGROUND train drivers have rejected an offer of some extra money for no reason, because they are fine.

THE captain of the Costa Concordia abandoned his post to buzz around the deck on a Vespa sexually harassing female passengers, it has emerged.

DAVID Cameron has offered to show Argentina how to swagger around in someone else's country properly.

THE availability of one-piece romper suits for adult males proves that men are over, it has been claimed.

Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News briefly

Billionaire ends Mormon's presidential dream by blowing a hole in the middle of his head.

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.

Your problems solved

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?