Gay marriage 'releases deadly pink gas into ozone layer'

POPE Benedict has explained the hard science behind his theory that gay marriage will cause the destruction of humanity.

Everyone apologises for everything

EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.

Miliband 'lacks video game skills to lead UK'

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is stuck on Level 2-3 of Angry Birds, with a similarly poor performance at Fruit Ninja.

French get chance to vote for magnificent bastard

FRANCE has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be ruled by a bastard of unparalleled magnificence.

Thatcher film 'not sexually violent enough'

SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its 'disturbing' lack of sexual violence.

Turd reveals maniac’s hatred of scumbag

BRITAIN is to be dipped in antiseptic after hearing the oozing testimony of Kelvin Mackenzie.

Does sleeping count as not drinking? asks Britain

BRITAIN would like to know if being fast asleep counts as time off the drink.

Neville checks his phone is working

GARY Neville has spent the last 24 hours obsessively calling his voicemail and making sure his phone has full bars.


News in Pictures


Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes


Subscribe (It's free!)
  • #
  • #
  • #
  • #

News briefly

Trump shoots Romney in the face

Billionaire ends Mormon's presidential dream by blowing a hole in the middle of his head.

Sainsbury's changes name of Tiger Bread to Psoriasis Bread

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Pisces

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?
ID: