Gay marriage 'releases deadly pink gas into ozone layer'
POPE Benedict has explained the hard science behind his theory that gay marriage will cause the destruction of humanity.
Everyone apologises for everything
EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.
Miliband 'lacks video game skills to lead UK'
LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is stuck on Level 2-3 of Angry Birds, with a similarly poor performance at Fruit Ninja.
French get chance to vote for magnificent bastard
FRANCE has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be ruled by a bastard of unparalleled magnificence.
Thatcher film 'not sexually violent enough'
SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its 'disturbing' lack of sexual violence.
Turd reveals maniac’s hatred of scumbag
BRITAIN is to be dipped in antiseptic after hearing the oozing testimony of Kelvin Mackenzie.
Does sleeping count as not drinking? asks Britain
BRITAIN would like to know if being fast asleep counts as time off the drink.
Neville checks his phone is working
GARY Neville has spent the last 24 hours obsessively calling his voicemail and making sure his phone has full bars.
- Bonus curb could lead to 'arsehole drain'
- Tolkien denied Nobel Prize 'because he wrote about Hobbits'
- Reader offer
- Nominations pour in for assisted suicide
- Britain has a motorway speed limit, claims minister
- Slight amendments made to New Year's resolution to quit smoking
- Missing cat returns with no memory of lost days
- Women wrong, says cleverest person in world
- Race named as today's thing to talk shit about
- 'Girl With The Apple Tattoo' sparks product placement row
- Barton denies existence of FA
- Britain really fancies a pint
- Mail becomes cause of and solution to racism
- La Senza pins hopes on Human Centipede range
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