Hairy bikers admit cookery a front for drug and gun trafficking

JOVIAL television bike gang members David Myers and Simon King have confessed to extensive criminal activities after multiple shootings at the recording of their latest series.

Scientists capture person who buys fantasy-themed ornaments

THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.

'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.


Most betting shop regulars now multi-millionaires

THE majority of people who frequent betting shops are worth in excess of seven figures, according to new data.

Conga crash claims 37

POLICE are appealing for witnesses after a conga line collision resulted in the deaths of 37 people during a retirement party.

Tube drivers in fresh bid to become more hated than footballers

UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.

Happy birthday Jesus

Jerusalem's Got Talent.

Starbucks trashed in pre-Christmas milf brawl

NINETEEN women are in custody after the Salisbury branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.

News in Pictures


Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes


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News briefly

Trump shoots Romney in the face

Billionaire ends Mormon's presidential dream by blowing a hole in the middle of his head.

Sainsbury's changes name of Tiger Bread to Psoriasis Bread

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Pisces

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?
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