ENGLAND'S World Cup hopes were back on track last night after Tom Cruise said he could heal his friend David Beckham using nothing more than a simple Dianetic mind poultice.
Karen Fenessey 'We've given the green light to battalions of orange schoolgirls to repeatedly copulate with train conductors and weathermen. And nobody needs to see that.' read more...
News Briefly
Schools urge government to make drug slightly more expensive and a lot more dangerous "We're only trying not to help," says National Association of Head Teachers
'We just assumed it was first years' semen' says top public school "If something tastes funny round here it usually means there's a load of spunk in it," admits spokesman
Your stars: taurus
This week you will suggest an insurance scheme for dogs and then abandon it four days later because you're an over-rated arsewit who has no business running the Home Office.
THE estate of Michael Jackson has signed a record breaking contract and vowed not to spend it all on funfairs, hush money and giraffes.
MILLIONS of Britons are descended from the bastard offspring of aristocrat-defiled domestic drudges, it was claimed yesterday.
BRITAIN'S biggest trade union today ordered Gordon Brown to describe it as 'deplorable'.
TEENAGE boys are to be given lessons in how to release the vice-like grip on their penises for five minutes and get some sleep.
LIVERPOOL are in talks with a private equity firm over a multimillion bid for the contents of Rafael Benitez's imagination.
