JACKSON ESTATE WON'T SPEND IT ALL ON GIRAFFES THIS TIME

ImageTHE estate of Michael Jackson has signed a record breaking contract and vowed not to spend it all on funfairs, hush money and giraffes.

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ONE IN FIVE DESCENDED FROM BASTARD CHILDREN OF SCULLERY MAIDS

ImageMILLIONS of Britons are descended from the bastard offspring of aristocrat-defiled domestic drudges, it was claimed yesterday.

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CALL US 'DEPLORABLE', UNION ORDERS BROWN

ImageBRITAIN'S biggest trade union today ordered Gordon Brown to describe it as 'deplorable'.

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CRUISE TO HEAL BECKHAM WITH DIANETIC MIND POULTICE

ImageENGLAND'S World Cup hopes were back on track last night after Tom Cruise said he could heal his friend David Beckham using nothing more than a simple Dianetic mind poultice.

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TEENAGE BOYS TO BE TAUGHT HOW TO STOP YANKING AT IT FOR FIVE MINUTES

ImageTEENAGE boys are to be given lessons in how to release the vice-like grip on their penises for five minutes and get some sleep.

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US EQUITY GROUP MAKES £119m BID FOR BENITEZ'S BRAIN

ImageLIVERPOOL are in talks with a private equity firm over a multimillion bid for the contents of Rafael Benitez's imagination.

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES



Labour assaults Britain
with penis


 


Gillian Taylforth declared
national emergency

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One woman's week

Karen Fenessey
'We've given the green light to
battalions of orange schoolgirls
to repeatedly copulate with train
conductors and weathermen.
And nobody needs to see that.'

read more...

News Briefly

 
Schools urge government to make drug slightly more expensive and a lot more dangerous
"We're only trying not to help," says National Association of Head Teachers

'We just assumed it was first years' semen' says top public school
"If something tastes funny round here it usually means there's a load of spunk in it," admits spokesman
 

Your stars: taurus



This week you will suggest an
insurance scheme for dogs and
then abandon it four days later
because you're an over-rated
arsewit who has no business
running the Home Office.


 
 
 

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