The Daily Mash

Starbucks trashed in pre-Christmas milf brawl

NINETEEN women are in custody after the Salisbury branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.

A HEART-BREAKING song by the wives of Britain's journalists remains resolutely unbought, it has been confirmed.

In this comfortingly plausible account, THE DAILY MASH imagines the day the Mail invaded the Falklands.

ABBEY Clancy and Peter Crouch were today devastated by the thought of a thief opening all their vulgar, over-priced Christmas gifts.

LIVERPOOL'S defence of banned striker Luis Suarez will continue to be based on a strict interpretation of Uruguayan semantics.

APOCALYPSE facilitator Kim Jong Un will start his new job as soon as IT has helped him login to his work computer.

CNN last night said it had no recollection of who removed Piers Morgan's name from his designated parking space.

ARCHAEOLOGISTS working in the Amazon basin have found the remains of a crude car made from dinosaur bones, with stone cylinders for wheels.

'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News Briefly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.

Your problems solved

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.