NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic
SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.
Britain To Make Its Own Booze From Leftover KFC And Pizza Crusts
BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own
booze from junk food leftovers.
Capello Unveils Squad Of Mutant Rooneys
FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.
Cheese Rollers Defy Ban On Rural Stereotypes
GLOUCESTERSHIRE'S 'cheese rollers' have defied a health and safety order to show the world they are still drunken inbred maniacs.
BP Execs Look At Massive Oil Slick, Then At Each Other
BP executives are today standing on the Louisiana shoreline, looking at each other with furrowed brows and occasionally skimming a pebble across the oily water, it has been confirmed.
Israel Just Making It Easier For Guardian Readers To Look Good
ISRAEL'S attack on a Palestinian aid ship will make it easier for Guardian readers to sound as if they know what they are talking about, it was claimed last night.
Two Years Not Enough To Grow Stupid Hair, Say Students
TWO-year degrees would give students insufficient time to grow stupid, pretentious beards it was claimed last night.
Nation's Purse Strings Controlled By A Ginger
A FRESHLY terrified Britain was gaping into the abyss today as David Cameron handed control of the nation's purse strings to a ginger.
- Reader Offer: The Lost Last Lost Episodes
- What About Handjobs? Women Ask Pope
- Workshy Must Stand Around Doing Nothing In A Uniform Or Lose Benefits
- Tight Fit To Revive Lion Sleeps Tonight Concept Album
- Constitutional Status Of 'Question Time' Under Threat
- We Don't Have Facebook Accounts, Say People Who Care About Privacy
- Men Getting Less Fussy
- Victoria Beckham Unveils New Brain
- Glastonbury In Last Minute Search For Replacement Twat
- London Now Worse Than Some Place In Australia
- Britney To Be Frozen Until Pop Standards Collapse
- Nick Griffin To Tour With Aswad
- Four Year-Old Dog Found Guilty Of Rape
- Fake England Shirts 'Not Made In Official Sweatshops'
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