I'd Play God, Says Everyone

AS scientists created artificial life for the first time, people across Britain said if it was them they would be playing God like it was going out of fashion.

Novello Judges Sectioned

A GROUP of music 'experts' were last night being assessed by psychologists after Lily Allen won three awards for song writing.

Concern Grows Over Ninja School Standards

MANY ninja school-leavers are unfit for even the least dangerous missions, according to leading UK warlords.

Tardy Shoppers Slaughtered By Minotaur

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco claims to have solved the problem of late shoppers by letting Minotaurs loose at 9.50pm.

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

Skeletor Joins Labour Leadership Race

CARTOON despot Skeletor has launched his bid for the Labour leadership.

Have You Seen My Tits Yet? Asks Kim Kardashian

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night.

Billy Joel To Write Song About Greedy Engaged Couples

JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.

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News in Pictures


'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes
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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.
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With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.
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