Beyonce Launches Branded Stomach Wipes

POP icon Beyonce has launched a range of branded products designed to help self-pleasuring male fans to clean up after themselves.

Man Loses Job For Saying Russians Are Corrupt

A MAN lost his job last night for claiming that Russians love bribing people.

England Win At Children's Version Of Cricket

ENGLAND cricket fans were celebrating last night as the national side won a version of the game developed especially for children.

Tax Hit Middle Class Threatens Widespread Passive-Aggression

BRITAIN'S middle classes are threatening all-out passive-aggression if the government raises tax on all the nice things they like.

Bee!

OH shit, there's a fucking bee in here, it was confirmed last night.

Farmers Using Facebook To Pretend They Have Pointless Office Jobs

THOUSANDS of farmers are using Facebook to play a game where they pretend to work in an office and spend all day doing nothing and talking out of their arse.

Thomas Cook Sacrifices Redknapps To Volcano God

TRAVEL operator Thomas Cook was last night forced to offer up Jamie and Louise Redknapp to an angry volcano god.

Morecambe And Wise To Make Everything More Expensive

BRITAIN'S favourite entertainers are to make everything you buy much more expensive before deciding whether to let you keep your house.

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News in Pictures


'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes
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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.
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