The Daily Mash

Britain To Make Horrifyingly Ill-Informed Choice

BRITAIN will today once again cast its vote guided by a series of worthless opinions with no basis in fact.

THE UK's oldest dogging site has been re-opened by the National Trust, with interactive stranger sex displays and cakes.

BRITAIN finally hurtled beyond the point of no return last night as the political opinions of Simon Cowell were regarded as important.

MANY Blackberry owners are pretending to fixate on the gadget as an excuse for ignoring their tiresome, bleating partners, it was claimed last night.

FOUR out of five people in Britain have named their hire-purchase widescreen television in their will, according to a new study.

THE Labour Party has urged its vote riggers in key marginal seats to make it look as if quite a lot of fictional people have voted Liberal Democrat.

TORCHWOOD actor John Barrowman's demonic homosexuality last night scored an effortless victory over the power of prayer.

'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News Briefly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.

Your problems solved

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.