The Daily Mash

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SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.

RAFAEL Benitez planned for Liverpool's future yesterday by buying a petri dish full of human DNA for Â£2m.

GORDON Brown today accused the Tories of planning to scrap benefits for spiteful, racist old bitches who can freeze to death for all he cares.

THE history of Western civilisation is expected to come full circle today when Greece brings it crashing to the ground.

ANIMAL rights protesters have condemned Adrian Chiles after footage showed him shouting 'half breed' at a frightened badger.

BUXOM, whorish dummies are set to give some respite to bad-tempered men in clothes shops.

'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News Briefly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.

Your problems solved

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.