The Daily Mash

Met Office Finally Blamed

AFTER five days of disciplined self-control Britain finally gave in last night and blamed the Met Office for volcanoes.

Bond Films To Be Renamed Again

THE producers of the James Bond franchise have warned they may be forced to return to renaming the old films and hoping no-one notices.

Elderly Re-Assert Their Right To Offend

SEVEN out of 10 old people are starting to notice that everyone in the room switches off the second they start talking, according to a new survey.

Goldman Sachs 'Did Not Have Magic Beans'

MERCHANT bank Goldman Sachs has not been using magic beans to generate its multi-billion dollar profits, it was claimed last night.

Lennon's LSD Stash To Be Remastered And Sold For Ten Times Its Street Value

DRUGS belonging to deceased Beatle John Lennon are to be slightly re-vamped and then sold at exorbitant prices to obsessive, middle-aged Beatles fans.

Stranded Tourists To Be Fired From A Cannon

THOUSANDS of British tourists stranded in Calais will begin their journey home today by climbing into the end of a giant cannon pointed roughly at Kent.

Neville And Scholes To Spend Summer Camping In The Mountains

MANCHESTER United veterans Gary Neville and Paul Scholes are to spend the summer in a tent.

M&S Suit Nearly As Popular As Churchill

A GREY, single-breasted Marks and Spencer suit with four-button cuffs and flat-fronted trousers is almost as popular as Sir Winston Churchill, it emerged last night.