'I Can't Come Into Work Because Of The Volcano'
THOUSANDS of people across Britain are planning an early start to the weekend today as the Icelandic volcano presented them a fascinating new excuse.
Fury Over Padded Bikinis For Pets
ANIMAL rights groups have called for a ban on a new range of provocative padded beachwear for pets.
Maltese Town Dresses Phallic Statue In School Shorts
A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.
Northerners Almost The Same As People, Say Tories
TODAY'S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives will announce today.
Gay Priests Have Sex With Men, Say Experts
PRIESTS who are gay are 100% more likely to have sex with men rather than boys, experts have claimed.
Brown Dangerously Close To Realising What's Wrong With Him
GORDON Brown has taken another small step towards finally realising what's wrong with him, it emerged last night.
Tories Publish First Ever Hard-Back Edition Of The Daily Mail
THE Tories will today present their vision of a Britain made-up of self-reliant people with greater control of their own lives who don't like all them Afghans coming over here and stinking up the place.
Fears Grow That Recycling Could Become Inconvenient
A PLAN to install slop buckets in homes and offices has raised concerns that being environmentally-friendly could start to become a bit of a pain in the arse again.
- US Teenager To Climb Everest For Crafty Ham Shank
- Stop Serving Food That Looks Like A Vagina, Say Customers
- Labour Manifesto Pledges Really Confusing Thing About Schools
- Tories Offer NHS Chiefs £50 To Kill Cancer Patients
- Portsmouth Cup Final Spots To Be Auctioned
- Simon Cowell Still Very Much Alive
- Apple To Fix Malfunctioning iPad Customers
- Brown Deafened By Sound Of Collapsing Argument
- This Month On Sky...
- Football Fans In Germany-Man Utd Hate Conundrum
- Hunt For Swine Flu Vaccine Receipt Intensifies
- Workers 'Need More Pretend Training With Overpaid Bullshit Merchants'
- But We Hate Ourselves, Britain Tells Brown
- Male Sex Addicts Cured By 'Mamma Mia!'
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