Most Etonians Incredibly Well Educated, Say Experts

MOST of the people who went to Eton are much, much better educated than most of the people who went to school in Kirkcaldy, experts said last night.

Christmas Markets 'Are Trojan Horse For Nazi Invasion'

TRADITIONAL German Christmas markets are the vanguard of a massive Nazi invasion, it was claimed last night.

Obama Confuses Afghanistan With Country That's Not Insane

PRESIDENT Obama last night unveiled plans to send an extra 30,000 troops to Afghanistan after confusing it with a country that is not completely insane.

Windows 7 Users Complain Over 'Black Screen Of Being Conned Out Of Two Hundred Quid'

MICROSOFT have admitted that some users of its new Windows 7 operating system have been confronted with the dreaded 'Black Screen of Paying £200 for Something That Doesn't Work'.

UK Children Approaching Maximum Thickness

BRITAIN'S children are now just two years away from maximum thickness, according to the latest exam statistics.

Iran Should Tire Of Yachtsmen Fairly Quickly, Say Experts

IRAN will soon find the five British yachtsmen they have captured quite unbearable, experts predicted last night.

London Awash With Ponces

A NEW report into the trauma of travelling by tube has revealed that London is awash with whining ponces.

David Hasselhoff's Mind To Become Theme Park

FORMER Baywatch star David Hasselhoff's psyche is set to become a multi-million dollar tourist attraction, with rides, cafes and high strangeness.

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News in Pictures


'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes
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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.
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With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.
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