The Daily Mash

New Campaign Urges Teens To 'Get Up The Spout In Ilfracombe'

THE seaside resort of Ilfracombe is to place teenage pregnancy rates at the heart of its economic development strategy.

BRITAIN'S bankers last night wanted to know if you were scared yet amid mounting evidence that they will get exactly what they want, all the time.

A TELEVISED gay kiss has caused outrage across America after thousands of red-blooded men discovered the beginnings of a semi.

ENGLAND'S 2018 World Cup bid could be undermined by the hellish, unremitting dreadfulness of everything in the country, it was claimed last night.

BRITAIN'S werewolves today won the right to tear your head off, rip open your chest and hungrily devour your still-beating heart.

GLACIERS in the Alps, Andes and Himalayas have stopped melting after the release of secret emails showing climate change scientists are at it.

CANCER patients denied a life-extending drug on the NHS will be given the chance to win it by shooting at some tin cans with a wonky air gun.

'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News Briefly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.

Your problems solved

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.