'Gayness Is Everywhere And It Wants Your Son'

HOMOSEXUALITY is caused by an invisible evil cloud that can even get inside your pregnant wife and turn your unborn son into a lover of Mamma Mia, experts claimed last night.

Prostitution To Replace Bursaries

THE government is to replace the current system of student loans and bursaries with £300-an-hour, high-class whoring.

I Will Buy You And Make You Part Of My Giant Chess Set, Warns Ex-RBS Chief

FORMER RBS chairman Sir George Mathewson last night hinted that anyone attempting to regulate City bonuses may find themselves part of the human chess set at his Highland estate.

England To Uninvent Cricket

ENGLISH cricket's governing body last night unveiled radical plans to uninvent the game.

Nursing Degree Will Make British Hospitals Deadliest In The World, Pledges NHS

NURSES are to undergo a rigorous three-year degree as the NHS launches a new drive to kill people more efficiently.

Three Year-Olds To Sue Each Other Over Juice And Poo-Poos

A FLOOD of juice and poo-based legal cases was predicted last night as Britain's three year-olds attempt to ruin each other in court.

Ugliness Becomes Source Of National Pride

GORDON Brown has encouraged Britain to become even more physically revolting after a study showed the UK leads the world in gap-toothed, cock-eyed repugnance.

Ferguson To Write Offensive Letters To Referees

SIR Alex Ferguson has been handed a four-match touchline ban, forcing him to abuse referees by post.

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News in Pictures


'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes
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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.
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