the dailymash

Haye Depresses Valuev Into Submission

DAVID Haye clinched the world heavyweight title against Russian Nikolay Valuev by discussing the recent collapse of the UK economy until his opponent conceded defeat.

Child Anvil Injuries At Record High

VIOLENCE in cartoons is causing children to drop massive anvils on each others' heads, stockpile TNT or mess around with huge magnets, a new report has warned.

Parents Must Allow Children Sex Education Once They’re Already Having Sex

PARENTS' rights to withdraw their children from sex education will stop once the youngsters are already experienced in Dutch steamboating and the reverse clambake, the Government said last night.

Bosses Quite Happy With Levels Of Workplace Stress

COMPANY bosses have welcomed a new survey showing employees are experiencing exactly the right levels of stress to keeping them working like mules.

Massive Drink Benders 'Should Be Better Organised'

ENORMOUS 1p-a-pint student drink bender clubs should be less haphazard affairs, a judge has warned.

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Jesus Was All Man, Say Protesters

PROTESTERS outside a play depicting Jesus as a transsexual, last night insisted the Son of God was a six foot four, rugby-playing, sexual dynamo.

Jedward 'Are Harbingers Of The Apocalypse'

A JOHN and Edward victory in the X-Factor could herald the End of Days, it emerged last night.