Jedward 'Are Harbingers Of The Apocalypse'

A JOHN and Edward victory in the X-Factor could herald the End of Days, it emerged last night.

Newcastle To Rename Stadium Every 30 Seconds

NEWCASTLE United are to change the name of their historic St James's Park Stadium every 30 seconds, in accordance with the highest bidder.

North West Panic As Magic Lantern Goes Out

THE latest stage of the digital TV switch over caused havoc in the North West yesterday as terrified viewers feared the death of the 'Unblinking Eye' that sits in the corner of their living room.

Teenage Boys Assure Surgery-Fixated Girls That They Would Totally Do Them

AS statistics reveal 50% of teenage girls want cosmetic surgery, a collective of teenage boys has said they'd happily finger them just as they are.

Oiks Terrified

BRITAIN'S oiks were last night on the brink of surrender.

Griffin Could Make Our Electricity Racist, Claims Sellafield

BNP lunatic Nick Griffin has been banned from the Sellafield nuclear plant amid fears he could make Britain's electricity all racist and homophobic.

Most Mammals Now Bloated And Inefficient, Say Experts

OVER 50% of mammals need to outsource their core functions to a private contractor or face extinction, according to a right-wing biodiversity survey.

Fears Grow That Brown May Not Be Very Good With Money

GORDON Brown's admission that he does not have any money has raised suspicions the prime minister may not be very good when it comes to matters of finance.

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News in Pictures


'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes
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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.
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