Tories To Raise Mildly Racist, Caravan-Owning Bastard Age

THE Tories have pledged to raise the age at which you suddenly turn into a racist caravan owner who is unable to drive faster than 38mph in a 60mph zone.

We Will Never Judge You, Say Greggs

GREGGS the baker last night assured its customers it would never ever judge them.

Half A Million Benefit Cheats Throw Themselves Down The Stairs

A CONSERVATIVE plan to cut the number of people on incapacity benefit was in tatters today as 500,000 people threw themselves down a staircase.

Should Britain's Ethnic Minorities Have Their Own TV Dance Contests?

THERE were renewed calls last night for Britain's ethnic minorities to have their own celebrity dancing competitions.

Google Launches Collaborative Self-Pleasuring Tool

SEARCH engine giant Google has opened trials of GoogleFrot, a new application designed to create a global network of simultaneous groin-rubbing.

Johnson And Windsor In Wig Sharing Deal

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has entered into an historic wig-sharing agreement with Eastenders actress Barbara Windsor.

Fump Off, You Bunch Of Fumpers, Says Mandelson

LABOUR'S relationship with News International was in tatters last night after Lord Mandelson described the company as 'a bunch of fumpers who need a right good kick in the chump'.

Violent Criminals Blame Chewits

SOME of Britain's most violent crimes have been caused by Chewits, according to a new study.

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'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes
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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.
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With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

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Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.
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