the dailymash

Twatphone Tops Twat List

THE Apple TwatPhone has topped the list of items owned by twats, it has been confirmed.

Cats 'Loose' In Britain

SIGHTINGS of small carnivorous cats, often with tabby or ginger fur, are on the increase, it was claimed last night.

Brown Really Should Be On Prescription Painkillers, Says Britain

BRITAIN would be significantly better off if Gordon Brown had been on prescription painkillers for the last few years, it was claimed last night.

Ban On Unregistered Lawnmower Borrowing

Notts County Backed By Creepy Conglomorate All Along

NOTTS County have admitted their mystery backer has been old man Qadbak Investments this whole time.

MPs To Receive Afghanistan Guilt Allowance

MEMBERS of parliament are to award themselves a monthly allowance based on how guilty they feel about under-equipped British soldiers in Afghanistan.

Moon Could Support Middle-Class Life, Say Experts

SCIENTISTS have claimed that the moon could support middle-class life forms after the discovery of a crater containing a Pizza Express and an excellent primary school.

Pope To Fulfil Lifelong Dream Of Invading Britain

POPE Benedict will fulfil a childhood dream next year by invading Britain as the infallible head of a fanatical regime.