The Daily Mash

Obama Obviously Has A New Watch, Says Brown

PRESIDENT Obama clearly has a new watch and is fascinated with it, Gordon Brown revealed last night.

BT Delighted With Latest Monopoly

REGULATORS have given BT the go-ahead to set up a new super-fast broadband network and then charge rivals as much as it bloody well feels like to use it.

Scientists To Continue Embryo Stem-Cell Research Purely To Annoy Christians

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.

Make Goodwin Give Back His Pension, Brown Tells Obama

GORDON Brown will today ask Barak Obama to make that horrid Fred Goodwin give his pension back.

'Obscene' Gravity Must Be Repealed, Says Harman

THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.

University Challenge Contestant May Not Have Been Worthless Layabout

THE BBC has launched an inquiry after claims a member of the winning team on University Challenge may not have been a lazy, self-indulgent ponce.

Ryanair Planes To Smell Strongly Of Urine And Faeces

BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.

Brown Refuses To Hand Back Pension

GORDON Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.

News in Pictures

'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.

Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.