Rioters 'not introduced to violence early enough'

A SENIOR Labour MP has blamed last year's riots on parents failing to introduce their children to violence as quickly as possible.

Controversial thinker behind 'insania' theory to address Oxford Union

THE radical philosopher who believes the world is in the grip of combined insanity and mania is to speak at Oxford University.

People may be forced to re-thieve stuff

MEGAUPLOAD users may have to spend several days stealing Family Guy episodes all over again.

Andy Carroll listed on Ebay

LIVERPOOL has placed former striker Andy Carroll on the auction site Ebay with a reserve price of 99p.

Hester turns down shares in unsuccessful bank

STEPHEN Hester last night turned down a share bonus package after discovering the shares were in the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Number of people going to university almost back to where it should be

THE number of young people going to university could soon be the same as the number of young people who should be going to university, it has been confirmed.

Thomas Cook ad to feature 'Debaser'

THOMAS Cook has become the latest travel company to base a television advert on a song by the Pixies.

Cameron acting like the dictator of Gaydonia, says Archbishop

DAVID Cameron is acting as if he is the dictator of the People's Republic of Gaydonia, the Archbishop of York has claimed.

News in Pictures


Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes


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News briefly

Trump shoots Romney in the face

Billionaire ends Mormon's presidential dream by blowing a hole in the middle of his head.

Sainsbury's changes name of Tiger Bread to Psoriasis Bread

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Pisces

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?
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