Pathological self-absorption now mandatory
EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.
Werewolf!
STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.
BBC4 named ponciest channel at National TV Awards
BBC4 was last night named Best Channel for Stuck-Up Ponces at the National Television Awards.
Sally Morgan to be represented by disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln
SALLY Morgan is to sue the Daily Mail with a legal team including Abraham Lincoln, Clarence Darrow and someone who claims to be John Mortimer.
Bernard Manning defrosted
SEVENTIES comic Bernard Manning is being woken from cryogenic sleep after Ricky Gervais completed preparations for his return, it has emerged.
Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks
PRESIDENT Obama was condemned last night for not describing his Republican opponents as total dicks.
TFL promises uninterrupted tosspottery
TUBE travellers will be able to broadcast their ignorance even when 150 foot underground by summer, promise TFL.
Occupy record 'may have a rap in it'
THE impending first release on the Occupy movement's record label may feature a short burst of rapping, experts have warned.
- Furious entertainment industry promises year from hell
- Key financial decisions now based on free toy
- Gordon Ramsay's face 'cuts bowel cancer risk'
- Paul Daniels to explain to why he didn't magic his finger back on
- RBS chief to get bonus or legal fees and bonus
- Ban adverts for things that don't always work, say angry people
- Police investigate allegations of reasonable criticism
- Reader offer
- I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers
- BT couple's son to kill housemate with pitchfork
- Critics disguised themselves as players, says Warnock
- Eurovision songs mostly pleas for economic aid
- Thanks, but we have enough money, say tube drivers
- Italian cruise captain rode moped and pinched arses on sinking ship
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