the dailymash

Ban adverts for things that don't always work, say angry people

THINGS that do not always work perfectly should not be advertised on the television, angry people have claimed.

Police investigate allegations of reasonable criticism

CHELSEA fans are being investigated after several were reportedly heard making balanced, cogent points about opposition players.

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I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers

MOIRA Stewart, the all-seeing God of Tax, has warned of great suffering for those self-employed workers whose forms displease her.

BT couple's son to kill housemate with pitchfork

THE storyline of the latest BT adverts will follow the previous couple's son as he spirals into a pit of murderous drug-fuelled sexual obsession.

Critics disguised themselves as players, says Warnock

NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.

Eurovision songs mostly pleas for economic aid

EUROZONE nations are using this year's international song contest to ask for financial help to a thumping hi-NRG disco beat.

Thanks, but we have enough money, say tube drivers

UNDERGROUND train drivers have rejected an offer of some extra money for no reason, because they are fine.