Britain ‘mystified’ more seven-year-old children haven’t made unaccompanied 2,300 mile journey from Syria

MILLIONS of Britons are surprised at how few seven-year-old refugees have journeyed alone across the whole of Europe.

Shots are not a round, say experts

SHOTS do not count as a round of drinks, expert drinkers have agreed.

We will abolish the monarchy if we hear one kind word about immigrants, says Sun

THE SUN has confirmed that if the Queen dares breathe one compassionate word about immigrants she is fucking gone.

Seagull stands on top of bin and proclaims himself king

A SEAGULL has landed at the summit of a litter bin and proclaimed himself the ruler of all he surveys.

Pub forced to serve 15-year-old because age recognition software says he’s 44

AN UNDERAGE boy has been served a pint of beer by his local pub after age recognition software confirmed that he was 44 years old.

Lib Dems regain position as Britain’s last, desperate choice

THE Liberal Democrats’ second place in the Witney by-election confirmed them as the party Britain turns to when all hope is lost.

Theresa May loses Britain in late-night poker game

THE prime minister has lost British sovereignty to Germany in a game of poker at the European summit in Brussels.

Radiohead booked for Glastonbury’s ironic Sunday afternoon slot

RADIOHEAD have been booked in Glastonbury’s Sunday afternoon slot for heritage acts whose music young people enjoy ironically.