Third Heathrow runway to be disguised by cave mouth and collapsible palm trees

HEATHROW’S third runway will be discreetly hidden inside a cliff face with palm trees that fold down when planes launch.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) And when you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. 'That feeling' being a burning sensation when you urinate.

Attractive people enjoying not having to be funny

ATTRACTIVE people thoroughly enjoy not having to be funny or interesting, they have revealed.

Protein World poster ‘just a standard piece-of-shit advert’

THE controversial Protein World poster is no more tawdry, exploitative and depressing than the rest of advertising, according to industry watchdogs.

Sun unhealthily interested in bikini-clad women

THE sun is shining hard to encourage women into states of undress, it has emerged.

Man with some knowledge of tennis simply insufferable

A MAN who knows about tennis from watching it semi-regularly is really making the most of it.

Monster Munch makers challenged over whether ‘Flamin’ Hot’ is actually a flavour

THE makers of Monster Munch have been told that ‘Flamin’ Hot’ is more of an abstract concept than an actual flavour.

Band wins recording contract for bits of songs

A LOCAL band has won a recording contract for an album of unfinished songs, ‘jam sessions’ and Led Zeppelin riffs.