Ghost of Blair ordered to piss off back to netherworld

THE Archbishop of Canterbury is to exorcise the unquiet spirit of Tony Blair that is haunting the election, he has announced.

Woman never realised musicals were that shit

A WOMAN who had never been to a musical before had no idea they were quite so awful, she has admitted.

Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

Beat me harder this time, begs Goldsmith

ZAC Goldsmith has begged voters in Richmond Park to beat him again and harder because he is a contemptible worm who deserves it.

Crazy bastard ignores warning about email having no subject

AN OFFICE worker has gone ahead and fired off an email in total disregard of his computer’s warning that it had no subject.

May considering bringing back workhouses for a laugh

THERESA May is so confident of her election victory that she is toying with bringing back workhouses just because she could.

The f**k is a mugwump? asks Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has made a private call to Downing Street to ask what the fuck a mugwump is and if he is meant to be offended.

Incredible success of Newcastle and West Ham explained

FINANCIAL double-dealing may be behind the continent-conquering success of Newcastle and West Ham, observers believe.