Men get their own bullshit body types

AFTER decades of women being described as being ‘pear-shaped’ and similar, men have been given their own contrived body shapes.

Ask Holly: Do normal 22-year-olds just eat Pot Noodles and catch chlamydia?

YOU need to spend some time with an old person like my granny.

Souls of the damned sent to Magaluf

A SHORTAGE of places in Hell means that the damned will be made to party in Magaluf for all eternity.

Thomas the Tank Engine like Britain because he constantly f**ks up, says Cameron

THE prime minister has likened the UK to Thomas the Tank Engine, who is alway the direct cause of disaster.

Clarkson offered producer a free punch at Hammond

JEREMY Clarkson asked Oisin Tymon to drop his complaint in exchange for punching Richard Hammond as hard as he could.

Builders distraught at Zayn leaving 1D

ZAYN Malik’s core fanbase of men working in the building trade is today in shock.

BBC confident it can find a new prick

THE BBC has confirmed that Top Gear will continue without Jeremy Clarkson as Britain is awash with boorish oafs.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Counting to ten is a good way to calm down and may also explain, given your educational record, why you’re so angry all the time.