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Joey Barton 'based personality on Swayze in Road House'
FOOTBALLER Joey Barton has confessed to stealing his philosophising tough guy persona from the lead character in the 1989 movie Road House.
Your problems solved, with Holly Harper
Mrs Dodkins wasn't delighted when someone wrote 'Shirley Dodkins is a boss-eyed spunk badger' on the whiteboard in huge red letters.
France surrenders to Thor
PRESIDENT Francois Hollande has confirmed France’s unconditional surrender to the Norse god of thunder.
Dalai Lama goes off on one about sales calls
TIBET'S spiritual leader has delivered an extraordinary rant about the things that do his head in.
Murdoch to buy UK prison system just in case
Jails to gain stables, large tasteful private living areas.
Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A bad first day as an elephant poacher as you turn up for work with a 2,000 gallon drum of boiling water and a 40-foot slotted spoon.
Ukulele market crashes
THE second-hand value of a beginner-level ukulele has plummeted to £1.12 after thousands simultaneously lost interest in the stringed instrument.
Fathers pretend to want internet porn ban
A PROPOSED new service to block internet porn has met with fake enthusiasm from fathers.
