Glass of red wine about to be placed on carpet by idiot

AN idiot is moments away from placing a glass of red wine on her friend's carpet, it has been confirmed.

Brexit talks end as Google abolishes EU

BREXIT secretary David Davis is on his way home from Brussels after Google abolished the European Union.

Man just going to ignore new girlfriend’s belief in reincarnation

A MAN is sure his new relationship will be fine if he simply ignores his partner’s beliefs about reincarnation.

Big beard and tattoos no longer a sign that you're hard

HAVING a big beard and an arm full of tattoos is no longer a sign that you would be handy in a fight.

Just f**k off out of it, May tells voters

THERESA May has told Britain’s electorate that her deal with the DUP is none of their f**king business.

Office like one big family where everyone hates each other

AN OFFICE has been compared to a family where everyone detests each other and fights all the time.

I love money, confirms Queen

THE best thing about being monarch is the huge amount of money you get, the Queen has confirmed.

Because I’m worth it, says May

THERESA May has confirmed that a supremely skilled politician like herself is easily worth £1 billion.