Dave Whelan invites Jewish friends over for sweet and sour pork

WIGAN Athletic owner Dave Whelan is to reach out to his many Jewish friends with a lavish pork banquet.

Loch Ness Monster sighting was just branch wearing Tam o’ Shanter

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

Arsenal-United game to be five-a-side

INJURY-HIT Arsenal and Manchester United have agreed to field only five players each for tomorrow’s game.

St George’s Cross house is workers' cooperative

THE  Rochester house covered in England flags is a Marxist commune, it has emerged.

Dyson told to invent a toaster that’s not a heap of shit

JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.

Russian webcam hackers fascinated by dreariness of UK lives

THE Russian hackers who broke into 500 UK webcams are transfixed by the sheer lack of event in British lives.

Tactical voters hopelessly confused

TACTICAL voters no longer have any idea who they are meant to be voting for or who they are trying to keep out, they have admitted.

Nigel Farage outside Downing St jiggling legs impatiently

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has begged the Government to just let him take over now because he is too excited to wait any longer.