Family worried how grandad will manage without hard Brexit

A PENSIONER will have nothing to occupy his twilight years if the hard Brexit that fills his days is taken away from him, say his worried relatives.

48-year-old realises he can no longer manage full cooked breakfast

A MIDDLE-AGED man has realised that he can no longer make it more than two-thirds through a cooked breakfast.

Man always cries at bit in Die Hard where cop rediscovers the magic of killing

A MAN has admitted he always cries at Die Hard when the black cop who was afraid to draw his gun rediscovers the magic of killing.

90 per cent of men will happily drink disgusting coffee served by attractive female barista

MOST men will happily drink a vile coffee if it was made by an attractive woman, scientists have confirmed.

Present-hunting children unprepared for what they might find in 'mum's special drawer'

BRITAIN’S children are in no way prepared for what they will find in their parents’ bedrooms while looking for their Christmas presents, it has been confirmed.

Stupid f**king hats everywhere

BRITAIN was awash with stupid hats, it has emerged.

'I'm still in control', says most ironic prime minister ever

THERESA May is head-and-shoulders ahead of rivals in the competition to be Britain’s most ironic prime minister ever, historians believe.  

Daily Express readers still stranded in six feet of imaginary snow

DAILY Express readers have spent a fourth day trapped indoors by imaginary snowdrifts.