Adrian Chiles becoming a badger

ADRIAN Chiles has been dropped from ITV's football coverage after admitting he is undergoing a series of operations to become a badger.

Life not worth looking up from your phone for

THE people, places, objects and locations that make up the physical world are not as fulfilling as smartphones, it has emerged.

Picky bastards making vague claims to have OCD

FUSSY, demanding people are hinting that they have mild OCD as a means of justifying their behaviour.

World hits snooze on Doomsday Clock again

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.

Tutankhamun’s beard actually a chair leg

THE facial appendage on Tutankhamun’s burial mask is a hastily-attached chair leg, it has emerged.

Fake Sheikh ascends to Saudi throne

UNDERCOVER reporter Mazher Mahmood, posing as an Arab sheikh, has become the new ruler of Saudi Arabia.

FA Cup romance turns to lust

THE FA plans to tone down the romance of the FA Cup after a fan broke into Wembley Stadium and made love to the trophy.

World Economic Forum degenerates into money fight

DISCUSSIONS at the World Economic Forum have been derailed by world leaders throwing bundles of Euros and dollars at each other.