The Daily Mash

Female MPs overlooked for promotion when they pose for GQ

WOMEN MPs who get all dolled-up and pose for men's magazines are not taken seriously, experts have claimed.

Murdoch tweets minutiae of world domination

RUPERT Murdoch is to use Twitter to share his everyday, random thoughts about controlling everything in the world.

The net closes in on Prince Philip

PRINCE Philip has begun a damage limitation exercise after human remains were discovered at Sandringham.

Corbett too short for a knighthood

RONNIE Corbett has had to make do with a CBE because he is too short for a knighthood, it has been confirmed.

Hairy bikers admit cookery a front for drug and gun trafficking

JOVIAL television bike gang members David Myers and Simon King have confessed to extensive criminal activities after multiple shootings at the recording of their latest series.

Scientists capture person who buys fantasy-themed ornaments

THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.

'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.

Most betting shop regulars now multi-millionaires

THE majority of people who frequent betting shops are worth in excess of seven figures, according to new data.

News in Pictures

Thinking about writing a science fiction book counts as job, says government

Mystic Meg placed on ducking stool

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News Briefly

Ryanair told to advertise sexy calendar with photo of tractor

Advertising Standards Authority says photos of gorgeous women in bra and pants can only be used to advertise everything else.

Argentina supported by former 'Friends' guest star

Britain accused of colonialism by guy who played man who went out with Phoebe and her twin sister but then slept with the twin sister because he thought it was Phoebe.

Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

There's not much else yet, but that's because we were busy for a few days writing death threats to Caroline Flack.

Karen Fenessey

One womans's week

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Taurus

It’s always a startling discovery to find your first grey pubic hair, especially when it’s on top of the French onion soup you just ordered.