Tax breaks to encourage two people to fantasise about killing each other
THE government is to introduce tax breaks that will encourage two people to draw up elaborate plans for murder.
Wenger admits Arsenal cannot win 1980 cup final
ARSENE Wenger has conceded that his team is now unlikely to win the FA Cup final that took place almost 32 years ago.
Beach Boys reunion spells defeat for Beach Boys fans
FANS of iconic '60s group the Beach Boys have admitted defeat in their battle to stop them reforming.
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Introducing 'The Robong'.
Hitchens cancer not intelligently designed
THE cancer which claimed Christopher Hitchens was either random or stupid, it has been confirmed.
Zoo to build nightclub for gay animals
A CANADIAN zoo has announced plans to construct a specialist nightclub for its homosexual animals.
Big fat Scottish guy to sort out troubled families
TROUBLED families will be helped by a great big Scottish bloke who is taking none of their shit.
End of Iraq war marked by beginning of Iraq civil war
AMERICA'S withdrawal from Iraq will be marked by a special civil war as soon as the last helicopter leaves.
- Man visits Post Office without catching anything
- High streets still the best place for a drunken fight
- French shocked by lack of shock
- Queen unveils plan for foul-mouthed jubilee tirade
- Scholars to definitely read Brontë manuscript at some point
- Energy costs will only rise by £110 as long as it's really, really windy
- Attenborough died in 1972, admits BBC
- 'God particle' does not believe in God
- Scientist who discovered secrets of bird erection battling not to have it named after him
- Clegg's mum writes angry letter to Cameron's mum
- Little Mix to release free-jazz concept album about Egyptian gods
- Alcohol leads to pointless academic research
- Everyone still pretending they know what they're talking about
- Arsenal to unveil statue of man checking his texts
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