The Daily Mash

Cloning a mammoth is a shit idea, say experts

PLANS to clone a woolly mammoth have been dismissed as incredibly stupid and shit.

RBS collapse 'not caused by the ghost of a dog'

THE failure of the Royal Bank of Scotland was caused by bad decisions rather than the ghost of a Border collie, it has emerged.

Reader offer

Are you supposed to breast feed the Son of God?

DJs Fabio and Grooverider announce residency in rave retirement home

PENSIONED-OFF Radio 1 drum and bass dons Fabio and Grooverider are to become resident DJs at a home for retired junglists.

Grizzly bears accuse BBC of racism

DAVID Attenborough has been embroiled in a row over the ethnic diversity of bears in BBC documentaries.

Banksy defaces Banksy with another Banksy

CONTROVERSIAL GCSE-standard urban artist Bansky has struck again, this time defacing a valuable Banksy mural in London, knocking tens of thousands of pounds from its value.

Six-year-old Nativity actor to redefine role of innkeeper

STEPHEN Malley's portrayal of the innkeeper in his school's Nativity play will smash existing preconceptions of the role, according to him and his mum.

Cottage of 17th century witch-columnist Elizabeth Jones discovered

STUNNED archaeologists believe they have found the ancient former home of the notorious writer and sorceress Elizabeth Jones.

News in Pictures

Thinking about writing a science fiction book counts as job, says government

Mystic Meg placed on ducking stool

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News Briefly

Ryanair told to advertise sexy calendar with photo of tractor

Advertising Standards Authority says photos of gorgeous women in bra and pants can only be used to advertise everything else.

Argentina supported by former 'Friends' guest star

Britain accused of colonialism by guy who played man who went out with Phoebe and her twin sister but then slept with the twin sister because he thought it was Phoebe.

Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

There's not much else yet, but that's because we were busy for a few days writing death threats to Caroline Flack.

Karen Fenessey

One womans's week

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Taurus

It’s always a startling discovery to find your first grey pubic hair, especially when it’s on top of the French onion soup you just ordered.