iPad 3 to be obsessed with prostitutes
THE latest version of Apple's tablet computer will have the personality of a syphilitic Victorian judge, it has emerged.
Rangers pledges sectarianism as usual
MURDEROUS chant enabler Rangers last night pledged financial meltdown will not interfere with all the hating.
Parking fines replaced by kick in testicles
TRAFFIC wardens in England and Wales are to be given new powers to kick motorists in the groin.
Warsi released from box again
DAVID Cameron has let Baroness Warsi out of her box again.
Men discover florist that also sells fuel
HUSBANDS and boyfriends have been flocking to charming little flower shops that also have petrol.
Sun to be produced in prison for prison
BRITAIN'S biggest newspaper is switching its production and target audience to Britain's prisons.
Suarez to sing 'I Will Always Love You' to Patrice Evra
THE Football Association has ordered Luis Suarez to sing I Will Always Love You to Manchester United's Patrice Evra on Valentine's Day.
Greece 'stuck between a rock and actually paying tax'
GREECE could be forced to set up some kind of tax system, the country's prime minster has admitted.
- Bafta glory for Optimus Prime
- Call for consensus on how to destroy the NHS
- Nick Griffin tipped as England manager
- Bikes and cars fundamentally incompatible
- Steiner schools blamed for this hat
- Capello convicted of tax evasion
- Guardian-reading teacher suspended for tedious Facebook timeline
- 'Buildings' only hope against cold
- Drug lords back watered-down booze
- Madonna becomes new face of Tena Lady
- Refusing to have fun now a sackable offence
- Queen to be bombarded with lower middle class music
- "Sorry, did you say 'mind-weapons'?” everyone asks Royal Society
- Right-wing people smart enough to hate everyone
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