The Daily Mash

FA Cup sees battle of the giant also-rans

THE FA Cup third round will see an epic battle between players you have never heard of against players who were okay five years ago.

Putin avoids corruption allegations by deciding result two weeks ago

THE result of Russia's parliamentary election was decided two weeks ago and then locked in a safe to prevent corruption.

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Nanna Worthington's Olde Fudge Hole.

BBC apologises for making Piers Morgan look comparatively good

THE BBC has issued an apology after comments by Jeremy Clarkson made it possible for Piers Morgan to appear relatively human.

Outrage over reaction to Clarkson reaction reactions

BRITAIN was trapped in a 'death spiral' of infinite complaints last night.

Things so shit that Christmas seems almost appealing

THE tidal wave of woe sweeping the UK is such that ordinary, sane adults are actually quite looking forward to Christmas.

Appeal of little dogs remains mysterious to everyone except little dog owners

RESEARCHERS into the phenomenon of tiny dog ownership have been unable to fathom why you would want one of those things in your house.

Coffee blamed for infant Italianisation

EXPECTANT mothers frequenting high street coffee shops risk passing on Italian traits to their unborn children, it has been claimed.

News in Pictures

Thinking about writing a science fiction book counts as job, says government

Mystic Meg placed on ducking stool

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News Briefly

Ryanair told to advertise sexy calendar with photo of tractor

Advertising Standards Authority says photos of gorgeous women in bra and pants can only be used to advertise everything else.

Argentina supported by former 'Friends' guest star

Britain accused of colonialism by guy who played man who went out with Phoebe and her twin sister but then slept with the twin sister because he thought it was Phoebe.

Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

There's not much else yet, but that's because we were busy for a few days writing death threats to Caroline Flack.

Karen Fenessey

One womans's week

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Taurus

It’s always a startling discovery to find your first grey pubic hair, especially when it’s on top of the French onion soup you just ordered.