Hester claims RBS office full of asbestos and tigers

RBS chief executive Stephen Hester has claimed his job is full of hidden dangers that could kill him.

Rail bonuses to be replaced with knackered bus

THE £20 million bonus pool for Network Rail bosses is to be repeatedly postponed then replaced by a former school bus.

Abu Qatada appointed UK’s jihad tsar

RADICAL Islamic cleric Abu Qatada is to overhaul British Islamo-fascism after being named as the country's  first jihad 'tsar'.

NHS to use frantic hand gestures

NHS staff are to start miming what they want to do to foreign patients in a bid to save money.

UN deadlocked over Arab-killing rights

THE United Nations Security Council remains deadlocked over which countries are allowed to exterminate Arab civilians.

Snow continues to be the same

THIS year's snow is the same as last year's, it has been confirmed.

Chelsea-Man U 'a great advert for atheism'

SUPPORTERS of every other team in the country say the 3-3 match at Stamford Bridge yesterday was definitive proof of a godless universe.

Dickens no longer relevant to thieving street orphans

THE works of Charles Dickens have nothing to offer London's 21st Century thieving underclass, say experts.
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News in Pictures


Thinking about writing a science fiction book counts as job, says government


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News Briefly

Ryanair told to advertise sexy calendar with photo of tractor

Advertising Standards Authority says photos of gorgeous women in bra and pants can only be used to advertise everything else.


Argentina supported by former 'Friends' guest star

Britain accused of colonialism by guy who played man who went out with Phoebe and her twin sister but then slept with the twin sister because he thought it was Phoebe.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

There's not much else yet, but that's because we were busy for a few days writing death threats to Caroline Flack.

Karen Fenessey

One womans's week

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Taurus

It’s always a startling discovery to find your first grey pubic hair, especially when it’s on top of the French onion soup you just ordered.
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