The Daily Mash

Ed Miliband owes Britain £900m

ED Miliband cost Britain the best part of a billion pounds yesterday.

Decline in marine life possibly due to all the shit in the sea, say experts

THE decline in marine life may in some way be connected to all the shit, piss and bleach pumped in there every single day by everyone in the world, it has been claimed.

Rioters 'not introduced to violence early enough'

A SENIOR Labour MP has blamed last year's riots on parents failing to introduce their children to violence as quickly as possible.

Controversial thinker behind 'insania' theory to address Oxford Union

THE radical philosopher who believes the world is in the grip of combined insanity and mania is to speak at Oxford University.

People may be forced to re-thieve stuff

MEGAUPLOAD users may have to spend several days stealing Family Guy episodes all over again.

Andy Carroll listed on Ebay

LIVERPOOL has placed former striker Andy Carroll on the auction site Ebay with a reserve price of 99p.

Hester turns down shares in unsuccessful bank

STEPHEN Hester last night turned down a share bonus package after discovering the shares were in the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Number of people going to university almost back to where it should be

THE number of young people going to university could soon be the same as the number of young people who should be going to university, it has been confirmed.

News in Pictures

Thinking about writing a science fiction book counts as job, says government

Mystic Meg placed on ducking stool

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News Briefly

Ryanair told to advertise sexy calendar with photo of tractor

Advertising Standards Authority says photos of gorgeous women in bra and pants can only be used to advertise everything else.

Argentina supported by former 'Friends' guest star

Britain accused of colonialism by guy who played man who went out with Phoebe and her twin sister but then slept with the twin sister because he thought it was Phoebe.

Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

There's not much else yet, but that's because we were busy for a few days writing death threats to Caroline Flack.

Karen Fenessey

One womans's week

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Taurus

It’s always a startling discovery to find your first grey pubic hair, especially when it’s on top of the French onion soup you just ordered.