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PETE DOHERTY ACCUSES BASSEY OF "JOINT BOGARTING"

News - Celebrity
DAME Shirley Bassey may have been a big hit with the Glastonbury crowd but she proved much less popular backstage after refusing to share her drugs with her fellow artistes, The Daily Mash can reveal.
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BUSH GIVES BLAIR LEAD ROLE IN JUG BAND

News - Arts & Entertainment
TONY Blair and George Bush are set to invade the music charts after forming a hillbilly jug band.
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WIMBLEDON TO BAN FISTING

Sport - Sport Headlines

OFFICIALS at Wimbledon are to outlaw the practice of 'fisting' during matches in a move to clean up the increasingly offensive world of international tennis.

ROSA KLEBB WINS LABOUR DEPUTY CONTEST

Politics - Politics Headlines
SMERSH assassin Rosa Klebb is the new deputy leader of the Labour Party after a closely fought contest in which she killed all of her rivals.
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    Habitat for Humanity tennants
    now regret living in house
    built by Sharon Stone

99p pint raises concerns about
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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.