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WOMEN BISHOPS TO FILL CATHEDRALS WITH KNICK-KNACKS AND POT POURRI
News - Society

FEMALE clerics have vowed to fill England's great churches with stupid little knick-knacks and bowls of pot pourri as soon as they become bishops.

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IT'S ACTUALLY A BOOK CLUB, INSISTS MOSLEY
News - Celebrity

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley yesterday rejected claims he had taken part in a Nazi-themed orgy, insisting the event was nothing more than a suburban book club.

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BROWN WOOS VOTERS BY ACTING LIKE YOUR GRAN
Politics - Politics Headlines

GORDON Brown has outlined plans to recapture the political agenda by acting like your old gran.

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CHURCHES URGED TO BAN NOISY LITTLE SHITS
News - Society

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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