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CATHOLIC SCHOOL TO FIGHT ALL CANCERS ABOVE THE WAIST

News - Society
A ROMAN Catholic high school will allow its pupils to receive inoculations against all types of cancer that do not involve their dirty, filthy private parts.
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FUCK THAT, SAY NEW MEN

News - Society
NEW men last night said fuck this for game of soldiers and ordered their wives to make the bloody tea.
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YOUR VAGINA IS NOT A KITCHEN, WOMEN TOLD

News - Health
WOMEN who want to redesign their front bottom were last night reminded that it's not actually a kitchen.
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KELLY TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH SPIKEY CHAIN THING

Politics - Politics Headlines
OPUS Dei transport secretary Ruth Kelly is to resign from the cabinet to spend more time with that spikey chain thing they strap round the top of their thighs.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

Pale-skinned gollywog
offensive to Mick Hucknall

99p pint raises concerns about
why it used to cost £3.50

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News Briefly

WEDGWOOD HIT BY
SHOCK COLLAPSE IN
DEMAND FOR 18TH
CENTURY FIGURINES AND
POWDER BLUE TEACUPS
"So when did you all start drinking out of mugs?" asks company spokesman

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM