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INSANE GREED STILL BEST WAY TO MAKE MONEY, SAY EXPERTS

News - Business
INVESTING your money with a greedy maniac who would throttle a nun for 50p, still offers the best prospect of a healthy, long-term return, experts said last night.
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Weekending: Market Turmoil

News - Weekending

DRINKERS DIVIDED INTO NINE TYPES OF BOLLOCKS

News - Society
THE government stepped up its battle against alcohol abuse yesterday by dividing drinkers into nine different types of marketing bollocks.
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DO NOT MAKE SOUP WHILE DRIVING, WARNS RAC

News - Society
MAKING soup while driving is incredibly dangerous and should only be attempted after a stiff drink, new research suggests.
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    Habitat for Humanity tennants
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99p pint raises concerns about
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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.