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STARS SHINE AT LONDON GAY BULLSHIT WEEK

News - Celebrity
THEY are calling it the most glamorous and successful London Gay Bullshit Week in years.
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SHARES IN YOU PLUNGE 82 PER CENT

News - Business
SHARES in you plunged 82 per cent yesterday leaving you vulnerable to a takeover from some dirty Spanish bastard.
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LEHMAN EXECS TO LEAD SLIGHTLY LESS OPULENT LIFESTYLES

News - Business
EXECUTIVES at Lehman Brothers could be forced to manually adjust the seating temperature in their Mercedes, it was claimed last night.
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LIB DEMS PROMISE HAND JOBS AND ICE CREAM

Politics - Politics Headlines
EVERYONE will get a bowl of luxurious vanilla ice cream and a nice, long hand job when the Lib Dems take power, the party agreed yesterday.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

Pale-skinned gollywog
offensive to Mick Hucknall

99p pint raises concerns about
why it used to cost £3.50

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News Briefly

WEDGWOOD HIT BY
SHOCK COLLAPSE IN
DEMAND FOR 18TH
CENTURY FIGURINES AND
POWDER BLUE TEACUPS
"So when did you all start drinking out of mugs?" asks company spokesman

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM