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WALCOTT'S ENEMIES STRIKE GOLD

Sport - Sport Headlines
THE enemies of Theo Walcott struck gold last night as the England hero fired in a hat-trick against Croatia.
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BRITAIN TO WELCOME BELLY DANCING HOVERCRAFT PILOTS

News - Society
BRITAIN has thrown open its doors to the next generation of belly dancing hovercraft pilots who know how to train a horse.
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ALL RIGHT - IT'S SHIT, QUEEN TELLS TOP POET

News - Arts & Entertainment
THE Queen last night gave in to demands to offer her opinion on the work of the Poet Laureate, telling him it was 'third-rate bollocks'.
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Ironic BBQ

Weekend - ironicbbq

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    Habitat for Humanity tennants
    now regret living in house
    built by Sharon Stone

99p pint raises concerns about
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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.