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RECESSSION WILL TURN BRITAIN INTO 'BUNCH OF ARSEHOLES'

News - Society
THE economic downturn will lead to a sharp rise in people being arseholes, according to a leaked Home Office letter.
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DAVID DUCHOVNY HAS HIS CAKE AND SHAGS IT

News - Health
X-FILES star David Duchovny last night became the latest Hollywood star to have sex with countless women and then claim he was not right in the head.
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WE'RE A GIGANTIC COUNTRY FILLED WITH OIL, GAS AND WHEAT, RUSSIA REMINDS EU

News - International
RUSSIA brushed aside the threat of EU sanctions last night, stressing it is a vast country, filled to bursting with absolutely everything it needs.
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NEW SERIES OF STRICTLY COME DANCING TO BE FILMED AT BOTTOM OF BARREL

News - Celebrity
THE new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to be recorded at the bottom of a large barrel, the BBC confirmed last night.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    Habitat for Humanity tennants
    now regret living in house
    built by Sharon Stone

99p pint raises concerns about
why it used to cost £3.50

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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.