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GOVERNMENT FINALLY AGREES TO STOP PEOPLE GOING BLIND

News - Health
THE department of health last night grudgingly agreed to stop people going blind for no reason.
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A PLATE OF CANCER PLEASE, SAYS BRITAIN

News - Health
BRITAIN sat down this morning and ordered itself a huge plate of fried cancer with mushrooms and baked beans.
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BANKS TO START WRITING STUFF DOWN

News - Business
BRITAIN'S high street banks are to start writing stuff down, it was confirmed last night.
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BIDEN URGED TO NAME VICE PRESIDENT

News - International
VICE presidential candidate Joe Biden was last night urged to reveal who his vice president will be when Barak Obama is assassinated by a racist psychopath.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

Pale-skinned gollywog
offensive to Mick Hucknall

99p pint raises concerns about
why it used to cost £3.50

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News Briefly

WEDGWOOD HIT BY
SHOCK COLLAPSE IN
DEMAND FOR 18TH
CENTURY FIGURINES AND
POWDER BLUE TEACUPS
"So when did you all start drinking out of mugs?" asks company spokesman

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM