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CELEBRATE THE WEEKEND WITH FRESH BASIL AND PINE NUTS, SAYS OLIVER

News - Celebrity
MILLIONAIRE chef Jamie Oliver has attacked Britain's drinking culture and urged people to forget their troubles by sniffing some really fresh basil.
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KATONA FORCED TO GO TO ICELAND

News - Celebrity
KERRY Katona will be doing all her shopping at Iceland from now on, the bankrupt star revealed last night.
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EVIL MASTERMIND OFFERS MILLIONS FOR HOME OFFICE MEMORY STICK

News - Society
AN evil mastermind has offered £2 million for the missing memory stick containing the details of thousands of Britain's finest criminals.
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BRITISH CHILDREN TOO UGLY, SAYS GLITTER

News - Celebrity
GLAM rock paedophile Gary Glitter has refused to return to the United Kingdom, insisting British children are far too fat and ugly.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

Pale-skinned gollywog
offensive to Mick Hucknall

99p pint raises concerns about
why it used to cost £3.50

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News Briefly

WEDGWOOD HIT BY
SHOCK COLLAPSE IN
DEMAND FOR 18TH
CENTURY FIGURINES AND
POWDER BLUE TEACUPS
"So when did you all start drinking out of mugs?" asks company spokesman

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM