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FUCK THAT, SAY NEW MEN
News - Society

NEW men last night said fuck this for game of soldiers and ordered their wives to make the bloody tea.

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YOUR VAGINA IS NOT A KITCHEN, WOMEN TOLD
News - Health

WOMEN who want to redesign their front bottom were last night reminded that it's not actually a kitchen.

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KELLY TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH SPIKEY CHAIN THING
Politics - Politics Headlines

OPUS Dei transport secretary Ruth Kelly is to resign from the cabinet to spend more time with that spikey chain thing they strap round the top of their thighs.

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WHATEVER THE QUESTION, THE ANSWER IS BROCCOLI
News - Society

BROCCOLI is now the answer to any question you care to throw at it, according to new research.

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    Artist underestimates
     horror of UK rail travel


     Scots 'have already sold' Queen's
     corpse to fat American tourist




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News Briefly

MANDELSON WINS OVER
PUBLIC WITH £1M PAY OFF
AND RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE
YACHT PARTIES
"I'm going to use the money to pay back Geoffrey Robinson and then buy some passports for my Indian chums."


BBC APOLOGISES FOR
USING SIGUR ROS IN
ALL THOSE DAVID
ATTENBOROUGH TRAILERS
"It made people curious about Iceland and that was wrong," admits spokesman


CAGE FIGHTING ROBBERS
SPENT £53M ON HOMO-
EROTIC TATTOOS
"Mine is of Leonardo di Caprio in Gangs of New York, all buffed and ready for action," says accused


Opinion

MY BIG GAP YEAR

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Friday: Beijing

This week finds me in the capital of China – somewhere I have dreamed of coming ever since the age of five when my parents bought me my first round of banana fritters.

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