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XENOPHOBES WELCOME HUGE, STINKING METAPHOR
News - International

BRITAIN'S xenophobes were last night celebrating the arrival of an enormous, foul-smelling metaphor wafting over the channel from continental Europe.

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'GET YOUR BUMCHEEKS OUT OF MY FACE'
News - Society

MINI-SKIRTS have risen to record levels making it virtually impossible for men to travel on escalators without being exposed to women's buttocks, a new study reveals. 

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PUTIN TO PROPOSE AT SUSHI RESTAURANT
News - International

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin is to propose to his girlfriend at his favourite Moscow sushi restaurant, the Kremlin has announced. 

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TELEVANGELIST CHALLENGES POPE TO JEW-HATING CONTEST
News - International

US televangelist Pat Robertson has branded the Pope a dangerous liberal and challenged him to prove his Christian credentials in a televised Jew-hating contest. 

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Opinion

ONE WOMAN'S WEEK: FIGHTING THE FAT

By Karen Fenessey

I really believe it’s a wonderful thing that I can look around our British streets and see so many different walks of life being not only tolerated, but encouraged. The whites walk alongside the blacks, the rich with the poor, and the gays with the normal.

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News Briefly

FREESAT TO INCLUDE BBC,
ITV AND 36 CHANNELS OF
OBSCURE, UNWATCHABLE SHIT
"I'm looking forward to repeats of Shoestring," says old woman with nothing better to do

 
WEST BROM AND STOKE
BEGIN COUNTDOWN
TO RELEGATION
"It's going to be an exciting year of home defeats and cold, harsh reality," say ecstatic fans


ITV'S 'FLOOD' EVEN

WORSE THAN 'DAY
AFTER TOMORROW'
"You must listen to me or millions of people will die," says maverick scientist who is estranged from his maverick son


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