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SOCIETY OF THE FUTURE MAY BE FORCED TO EAT FOOD

News - Science & Technology
THE people of the future may be forced to eat real food instead of pills, scientists have claimed.
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PRINCE WILLIAM TO USE HMS INVINCIBLE AS A BOTTLE OPENER

News - Celebrity
PRINCE William has been given permission to use the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible as a bottle opener at his summer barbecues.
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BIOFUELS TASTE AWFUL, SAY AFRICANS

News - Environment
BIOFUELS are incredibly salty and don't really go with anything, hungry people in the Third World said last night.
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ROWLING UNVEILS PLAN TO HAVE ALL THE MONEY

News - Arts & Entertainment
BILLIONAIRE author JK Rowling last night told a New York court that she would very much like to have all the money there is.
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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

    Habitat for Humanity tennants
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News Briefly

DETOX DIETS EXPOSED
AS NONSENSE FOR
10TH YEAR IN A ROW
"But surely drinking eight gallons of San Pelegrino will flush all the goose fat out of my tubes," says Cosmo reader

BROWN VOWS TO
CREATE 100,000 NEW
LABOUR VOTERS
"We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM

CARS TO BE FITTED
WITH FUCKNUT LIMITERS
Hi-tech device will guide the car to the side of the road and park it there until you stop being a fucknut.