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82% WISH THEY WERE PRETENDING TO BE DEAD
News - Business

THE number of people in Britain who wish they were pretending to be dead has risen for the fifth month in a row.

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F*CK-BOOTS MUST STAY ON, SAYS GOVERNMENT
News - News Headlines

WOMEN who go out dressed in fuck-boots must keep them on in the bedroom, ministers said last night.

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BIG FAT INDIAN WOMAN REFUSES TO HUG JONATHAN ROSS
News - Celebrity

AMMA, the big fat indian woman who has hugged more than 26 million people, has warned Jonathan Ross not to come within 100 metres of her comforting bosom.

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DARWIN FINGERS CANOE
News - News Headlines

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin has claimed he was forced to fake his own death by a hardened kayak who once worked for the Krays.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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