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BRITISH TEACHER HELD IN CUDDLY-TOY NAMERS' WING
News - International

THE British teacher who allowed her pupils to name a teddy bear after a person has been sent to the maximum security, toy-namers' wing of Sudan's toughest women's prison.

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IMMIGRANTS 'TOO CHEERFUL', SAYS MORRISSEY
News - Arts & Entertainment

SINGER Morrissey is refusing to come back to Britain because the country's immigrant population smile too much. 

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CANCER-PROOF MOUSE WON'T STOP SMOKING
Animals - Animals headlines

A LABORATORY bred mouse which is immune to cancer will not stop smoking and has become ‘a nightmare to live with’, researchers say.

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BRITAIN URGED TO USE A F*CKING HANKY
News - Health

AS cold and flu season takes hold across the nation millions of sufferers have been told to use a hanky or just fuck right off.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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