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'I'M JESUS-FLAVOURED' SAYS BLAIR
Politics - Politics Headlines

TONY Blair has revealed he still has weekly conversations with Jesus and talks about everything from the Middle East peace process to the fortunes of the England football team.

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WE'RE INSIDE YOUR iPOD, CONFIRMS MI5
News - War

BRITAIN'S security services have implanted a chip in every iPod and now have detailed records of everyone's taste in music, MI5 agents told Radio 1 last night. 

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ENGLAND PLAYERS VOW TO SPEND THEIR WAY OUT OF DEPRESSION
Sport - Sport Headlines

DAVID Beckham is to buy himself a Bugatti Veyron, a diamond covered horse and the nation of Equitorial Guinea in a bid to ease the pain of England's Euro 2008 failure. 

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SCOTLAND DIES LAUGHING
Sport - Sport Headlines

TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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