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CAMERON HIRES AITKEN AS DISHONESTY COACH
Politics - Politics Headlines

TORY leader David Cameron has enlisted one of the party's most senior ex-convicts in his bid to become a more effective liar.

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BRITISH iPHONE TO INCLUDE A SENSE OF FAIR PLAY - AND RACISM
News - Science & Technology

THE British version of the Apple iPhone will come with an inbuilt stiff upper lip, a sense of fair play - and racism.

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MET CHIEF REFUSES TO RESIGN AFTER SETTING FIRE TO A TRAMP
News - War

METROPOLITAN  Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair has refused to resign despite setting fire to a tramp in central London.

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AFRICANS DISAPPOINTED TO DISCOVER $100 LAPTOPS ARE NOT FULL OF FOOD
News - International

COMMUNITIES across Africa have revealed their disappointment that the new $100 laptops contain no nutritional value.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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News Briefly

15 YEAR-OLDS FORCED TO
WATCH AMAZING GRACE
"Didn't learn much about slavery but Michael Gambon was on top form," says teenage wastrel


MARTIN CLUNES PAID
THOUSANDS TO REMIND
PEOPLE HOW GOOD
LEONARD ROSSITER WAS
"I didn't get where I am today by not wasting licence payers' money on pointless remakes," says BBC arse


SELF-ABSORBED WOMEN
CELEBRATE DIDO COMEBACK
"It's the soundtrack to my topsy-turvy life," says unbearable cow


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